by Ian on June 25, 2011

by Maria Jayne

My brother has the same cologne as the guy I fucked last night. He shoved the can of musky body spray to my nose when I got home today and asked if I like the smell. His two-year-old daughter helped him pick it out. A small nauseous feeling vibrated through my body.

Thinking back it wasn’t the best decision, but maybe it was one that had to be made. It had to be made so I could feel confident enough to move on.  When does fighting with an asshole turn into fucking on the living room floor with the lights on?

Before each step, I excused my actions with a swig of beer and two puffs of a cigarette.

This is what you want.

This is what you want right now.

And if it’s not what you want tomorrow, it’s okay because it’s not happening then.

It’s happening now.

It’s your life you’re living it.

You’re fucking it up as you will.

The sex was unmemorable but the person it was with was a tragedy in itself. You’re not supposed to fuck your friend’s boyfriend.

I bit his lip hard and pulled my jeans up in one swift motion. I have the taste of cum and cigarettes in my mouth with regrets hanging on my eyelids. His face seems uglier now than it did when we started.  Maybe this is a flash of sobriety, a flash of the real-life-clarity.

I run to the bathroom and throw up, missing the toilet with supplementary distance each time. Then I lay on the cold mint green tile watching the room spin. I wash my face and hands and brush my teeth before I exist again.
His jacket is on and he’s ready to depart. A wave of relief fills my body.

“K bye.”

“It’s time for rest,” he says. I didn’t even know that this was a saying people used. “Bye I’ll see you next month.”

I think goodbye but nothing is audible. He slams the door and my neighbor’s dog barks. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t know you fucked me to spite her. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t know you fucked me in spite of her.


Maria Jayne is a 20 year old student of Journalism. Her skills include petting cats and general misanthropy. Her blood is 92% water and 8% radio waves. She worries that her hair is longer than her life line.

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