Crazy

by Ian on October 8, 2011

by Melanie Browne

Kelly wasn’t sure if she as crazy. She asked all the people she was close to the same question. She even asked some people at work.
“Do I seem crazy to you?”
Most people said, “No, of course not, Kelly.” Then they said “Want a donut?” or sometimes it was, “Want to come over and watch Dancing With The Stars tonight?”

A few people hinted that maybe she was nuts. They didn’t come right out and say it. It was more subtle. It was usually stuff like, “Why do you ask?” or sometimes, “Can I have a few days to formulate an opinion?”

But there were a few. Those that didn’t hesitate. They looked Kelly right in the eye and said, “Hell yes, Kelly, you’re crazier than a tsunami in Kansas.”

Kelly wasn’t quite sure what that meant.

She knew most of the people who agreed that she might be nuts had an ulterior motive. She knew they only wanted to sleep with her. Kelly knew that if men thought you were nuts, they assumed you would be good in bed. She knew she was good in bed, but she knew she wasn’t nuts.

One of the men who said he needed a few days to formulate an opinion was her boss. He was skinny. His name was Thomas. He was nice as far as bosses went. Sometimes he spilled stuff on the floor a lot if she was wearing a short skirt. She didn’t consider that harassment. It’s only harassment if they call you “baby-doll” while they ask you to bend over in a short skirt. Thomas never did that. He always said, “Kelly, I dropped a handful of paper clips, bend over please.”

A few days later Kelly was writing some last minute e-mails before heading out to her favorite watering hole with some co-workers. Most of them had said she was crazy.  Thomas walked in holding two tickets to Def Leppard. He fanned them in front of Kelly’s face. “Kelly, wanna go see Def Leppard? “
“It depends,” Kelly said.
“Depends on what?” Thomas asked.
“On whether you have formulated an opinion yet.”
“Opinion?” Thomas said.
“You said you were going to formulate an opinion on whether I was crazy or not,” Kelly said
“Oh,” Thomas said. “That opinion.”
“Well, let’s see. I still need more time. I need to do some research,” Thomas said. Kelly knew what that meant. He wanted to see if she was good in bed. That would prove she was crazy. She would go with him to Def Leppard, then she would say she was sick. She would make herself vomit on his shoes.

The concert was amazing. Kelly danced on top of her seat. Thomas bought her beers and a concert t-shirt. He paid for valet parking. He was hoping to find out if Kelly was crazy or not. “Want to stop over at my place for a night cap?” Thomas asked. Kelly knew the time was ripe. She turned around for a second and stuck her finger down her throat. Then she vomited on Thomas’s new leather boots.
“Gross,” Thomas said.
“Sorry about that,” Kelly said.
“You must be a little bit wasted,” Thomas said.
“No, I definitely have a bug. You should take me home.” Kelly said
“No way,” Thomas said. “You just had too many beers. We should get you back to my place, so you can sleep it off. On my couch of course.”
“Thomas! I have a bug, seriously, I’m gonna throw up again real soon,” Kelly screamed.
Thomas looked her up and down. “Nah,” he said. “You’re just toasted.”

Thomas grabbed her hand and walked to the valet service. He handed them a ticket. After about ten minutes they brought his seventy-nine refurbished El Camino around. Thomas tipped the man and Kelly got in the car. She couldn’t believe Thomas wanted to take her home. She puked on his shoes for Pete’s sake.

They pulled up to a gated condo community. Thomas took a card out of his wallet and put it into a card reader. The gates opened and he swerved around to a covered parking area. He parked the car and walked over to Kelly’s side of the car and opened the door for her.
“Just what do you think you are doing?” she asked.
“I’m going to make you a hangover cocktail,” he said.

Kelly followed Thomas into his condo. It was really nice. It was decorated in a Bohemian chic style. Kelly could tell that Thomas had hired a decorator at some point.
“Nice place,” Kelly told him.
“Thanks,” Thomas said.
“You can take your clothes off now Kelly,” Thomas said.
“Wha… what did you say?” Kelly asked.
“I said make yourself comfortable while I make you a drink to get you even drunker,” Thomas said.
“Excuse me?” Kelly fumed.
“I thought you were going to make me something for a hangover. Not that I’m sick.”
“I lied,” Thomas said abruptly. He walked over to his Bohemian styled bar. He lit some candles. Kelly watched as he mixed her a vodka and Sprite. He handed it to her.

He waited until she had a few sips then sat next to her on his red velvet couch. “I’m ready to do my research now,” Thomas told her.
“What research?” Kelly said.
“The research required to tell me whether you are crazy or not.”
“Look I don’t know what you are saying here. You’re my boss and if you think I’m going to put out just because of that, you have another think coming.”
“Well how else am I going to find out if you’re crazy or not,” Thomas said.
“Good point,” Kelly said. “But surely there must be something else…”
“I’m not a psychiatrist so I have no other way to evaluate your mental state,” Thomas said. “Besides that, I am in a position of authority over you. I can make an objective evaluation. You will never be troubled by that worry again.”
“Well,” Kelly said, “everything you said is true.”
“Ok. Then it’s settled,” Thomas said. “Take off your clothes.”

Kelly stripped and she and Thomas had sex for hours. They did it on his Bohemian chic bed and in his Bohemian chic bathroom. They did it in his Mediterranean living room rug. They did wild things. Crazy things. They did things Kelly only saw on soft-core porn channels. This wasn’t harassment, because Thomas wasn’t forcing her to do anything she didn’t want to do.  Only once did he scream at her. Only once did he scream, “Dammit Kelly, if you don’t ride me like a wild hyena you are so fired,” but she knew he was only kidding.

After it was all over, Thomas told her he was taking her home. He said it was because he knew for certain she was “definitely” crazy and he wasn’t taking any chances. He said she might “pull a knife on him or something.”

In spite of it all, Kelly knew in her heart of hearts she wasn’t crazy.

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