I have a gas canister strapped to my back with a pipe leading from it which is connected to a semi-erect metal dildo with a hole drilled in the tip, acting as the urethra. From the top of the canister I have fixed a wire which leads to an ignition switch that I hold in my steady hand.
I broke in using my glass cutter and suction cup I bought off EBay six months ago. I practiced using it on panes of glass in my garage and have since perfected the technique after many failed attempts. I walk around their kitchen silently wearing my long brown overcoat, buttoned to the neck. I glance at a photo on a bookstand and smile as I recognize their faces – young love…
I first saw them outside of the jewelry store in the arcade. It was Christmas and shitty little kids were running everywhere, spoiling my train of thought, nasty little elves. Jingle bells was playing and the sound of the music turned the contents of my stomach into cow pats. I took a sip of my coffee and watched the young couple. They were looking at the engagement rings, I know this because I have sat here and done this many, many times. I know the section and the beaming smiles and the flirting and the touching of backs, faces and hair, and the fucking kissing. I sipped my coffee – flat white – not really bitter at all.
They went into the shop and I stood up from my seat and walked over to the jeweler’s window. Christ it was hot that day; I unfastened my tie a little. I pretend to browse the selection of watches, not that I wear a watch, I hate things being around my wrists, makes me itch. I turned and looked at a woman walking past me for an uncomfortable amount of time until she looked at me – I belched as loud as I could and grinned at her – stuck up bitch.
I witnessed the girl getting her ring size measured and I almost fell into a dream, I smeared my oily nose over the window leaving a whitish line of filth across it. I do this and walk the length of the window. Nobody seems to notice or care, so I do it again. The door opened and the couple strolled from the shop. He put his arm around her and she shuffles her hips in close to his and they walked out of the arcade like loved up lumps of wood. I shoved my hands in my pockets and followed them – god it was so hot. I saw a tramp eating something out of a bin and I scratched my cock at him through my trousers. The couple walked down a side street, I forget the name and I had to be careful to stay my distance. I don’t think I looked suspicious, my suit came back from the cleaners that morning and I shaved and done my hair. I could almost have passed as human. I followed them for about half an hour; we passed a mother pushing a pram and an old bastard with a walking stick mumbling under his breath. I felt a rage rise up in me and I grabbed a rose that was growing through a gap in somebody’s fence. I shoved it into my mouth and chewed it all up, it tasted disgusting but by that point I didn’t give a shit. I felt a strange twitch under my right eye.
They opened the gate to a pretty little house with some kind of stone water feature in the garden, maybe of a kid pissing or some other shit, a fish spitting water, I don’t know. They go in and shut the door. I stood across the road and took in the feel of the house: Single pane windows, one car, old stupid deaf neighbor, squeaky gate, I must watch out for that…
On my way home I kicked the shit out of a fence until a woman emerged from her house. I told her to fuck off as I pulled the gate from the hinges and threw it at her. I smoothed a little kitty then bashed its brains in with a rock behind Woolworths. I made Shepherd’s Pie for the wife and kids. They said it was delicious. I locked myself in the bathroom for about an hour and had a wank while sniffing one of my wife’s thongs she had worn while working out on the treadmill. I always watch her ass getting sweaty and have been planning on doing this for some time. But my orgasm was shit and short lived because little Clive needed to brush his teeth before bed. I grabbed the sods toothbrush and angrily brushed it around the toilet bowl. We watched a fat bitch cook some pasta on the TV as a family earlier then she cooked a chicken by punching into a pot and boiling it on the stove. I told my wife that I was going to walk the dog before bed but as soon as I get around the corner I take off my slipper and spank the beast across the back until I’m out of breath.
I went into my garage and unlocked the toolbox where my Cock Fire Thrower is and made some quick adjustments to it. Then I lock it back up and stared for about half an hour at the chainsaw. I thought about cutting my wife’s legs off then having sex with her. I went upstairs and tucked Clive and Jess into bed and kissed their little faces then turned the light off. I got into bed where my wife was already asleep. I took a Biro from the bedside table, lent on my side and shoved up my bum until it disappeared. I’ll get the doctor to take it out on Wednesday, along with the toy car and twelve marbles.
I told the wife that I had to work late at the office today. I usually have to do this once a month. While she is at work I drive home and pick up my toy from the garage and put it in the trunk with my brown coat, a gun, salt and vinegar crisps and a pork pie. I got so excited about the thought of what I am doing this evening that I actually pissed myself at my desk in work. I walked into the gents and locked myself into a cubical and took a pair of pliers from my briefcase, I pulled my left sock off then went about wrenching off the nail on my big toe. I try to masturbate but somebody comes in whistling the theme of the A-Team and I fucking hate that show so gave up and put my trousers back on…
I walked back into my office and closed the blinds. The bastards can knock on the door if they need me. One day I am going get a machine gun and blast all these assholes to bits. Especially Jenny the receptionist, what a bitch she is. I masturbated in the toilets three days ago and smeared my mess all down the front of my cheap Officer’s Club trousers. I stood talking to her by the photocopier and tried to draw as much attention to the stains as possible but the cow didn’t notice. I’ll rub my cock all around the rim of her mug on Friday and then watch her enjoy a nice cup of tea. I downloaded the movie Titanic onto my office computer and after watching it spent most of the afternoon crying. I put the audio from the rape scene in Last House on the Left onto my IPod and listened to it on repeat as I watched twelve year old girls jumping around and dancing in their underwear on YouTube. Before leaving work I made sure that nobody was around and snapped up an ink cartridge from the printer and painted my kneecaps black…
I glance at the picture of their smiling faces then walk up the stairs quietly. A step creeks and I feel a poo form somewhere in my ass. I stand still until it dissolves. I walk onto the landing and I can hear someone snoring like a fat piggy. I place the ignition switch into my coat pocket. I am naked under the brown coat with just the dildo strapped around my waist. My cock has shriveled back up into my balls because it is so cold. I hate this country – Boiling hot in the day then fucking freezing at night.
Bang! I kick the door open and pull the gun out of my pocket, it’s not loaded, but they don’t know that. The girl jumps awake first and starts to scream, the man comes around in a state of confusion and just stares at my shadowy figure in the darkness.
“I have a gun,” I say calmly, “If you do as I say this will all be over shortly.”
The girl lets out a little whimper and says some unintelligible words.
“Now,” I say, “Turn the light on slowly and both of you sit up in bed and relax.” She does this and the light illuminates the room. They sit in silence and look like they have already became ghosts. Getting them to turn the light on is my favorite part because when they see my face it all becomes real.
I quickly look around the room and notice a poster of David Bowie’s Labyrinth on the wall; I loved that film when I was a kid. I tell them to pull the covers down and strip. The girl takes off a t-shirt and panties and the guy takes off his boxer shorts. I make them tickle each other then force the man at gunpoint to shit on the bed and the girl to eat it. I make out that I am going to hit her with the gun and she manages to chow down a good few bits of the stinky steamer before throwing up. I am also sick, but I kind of force it up against my body’s better judgment. I fart very loudly when I dry-heave and feel a little embarrassed.
I place the gun down on the table after waving it around manically for about ten minutes. That is usually enough to embolism them, and my arm starts to get a bit achy.
I whip open the front of my brown coat and the metal dildo stands erect at a good nine inches. The girl screams but I hiss at her and she shuts up. I dance around a little as I take hold of the ignition switch and remember that I painted my knees black with ink. I start screaming the words to Billy Idols White Wedding as I press the switch. Flames erupt from the cock and spray the bed in burning red, yellow, white heat. The screams from their rotten mouths sound like animal noises. I hold the switch down, “White wedding…White wedding!” I screech out of tune as I move my hips in a shagging motion causing the fire to shoot up the wall and lick off of the ceiling. I stop the switch and watch as the smoldering lumps move around in the ash bed. Their hearts still drum but melt with every beat…
I sit outside of my favorite café and try to eat a china coffee cup but just end up chipping my front tooth. Do I drink too much coffee? I ask myself, but ignore my own question. I scratch my ass furiously as a woman walks past me. I do it purposely so she can see. I sniff my fingers and smile my chipped tooth at her. I’m late for work again…I’ll call in dead. I watch a young couple gaze into the jeweler’s window. This will never end, I will never stop… I know this because I have sat here and done this many, many times. I know the engagement ring section and the beaming smiles and the flirting and the touching of backs, faces and hair, and the fucking kissing. I sip my coffee – flat white – not really bitter at all.