Alfonso Colasuonno is a transient passing through the upper tip of Appalachia. He writes for the fortune, the fame, the groupies, and most importantly, to raise the ire of the literary establishment. Alfonso learned how to type words on computer screens at Beloit College. He has had poems published in Gutter Eloquence Magazine and Citizens for Decent Literature. Visit his website at www.alfonsocolasuonno.com
Lamenting Jim Morrison
Look, I know this is unoriginal
Every man pretentious enough to become a poet eventually writes about his cock
Some cloak it in multisyllabic words and intentional obfuscation
The underground poets, the punk poets, the poetry outlaws, the anti-academic poets, whatever we’re called – we just write about it openly – we think it will help us get laid. It usually doesn’t.
Some call it gay to measure your cock
But I view it as an assessment of your net worth
Women lie when they state it doesn’t matter
(Just mention the word “micropenis” and hear the giggles.)
That’s why I press the tape measure to the side
And multiply the diameter by 3.14159
It feeds my ego on the Internet forums
More so than if I mentioned it with the tape measure wrapped around
Still, the Internet forums don’t bring in the women
They just bring in the gays
They are only useful in droughts.
Look, I’m well aware of myself and I’m my harshest critic
You’re right when you call me an asshole
You’re right when you call me a nerd
You’re right when you call me a loser
You’re right when you call me pretentious
You’re right when you say I’ve exaggerated my size
But you’re still in bed with me
So, I really don’t care about that.
When I was fifteen I lamented Jim Morrison in my bedroom
Thinking of all the schoolgirls in J. Crew
Their high heels from Bergdorf Goodman stepping over me, digging in
(It happened once back then. The blue dress.)
Forcing my head between their thighs
Staining the alligator on my oversized Lacoste polo with their sticky dew
Bedroom door locked
DEVO on the stereo,
“Buttered beauties of the negroid north
Spread your glossy tallow on me.”
Now, at thirty, I still lament Jim Morrison
Thinking of the folly that is our biological imperative
(It almost happened once. The sunglasses and the thank god it’s a minus sign.)
Thinking about how we are no more than animals with bigger brains
Big enough to be mindful of our limitations
Not quite large enough to transcend them.
Noted feminist, critic, author, and academic Camille Paglia remarked that “If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn’t repel them.” (Pantazi, 2013). Quite often, there are misconceptions in society, as depicted in the media and in polite conversation about the perceived relatively sexless nature of women. The researcher intended to disprove this notion through the use of a survey of women aged 18-35, randomly selected from five local college campuses in the Pittsburgh metropolitan area. It was postulated that the research would reveal the fact that women do not just have sexual desire, but that their sexual desire is ravenous, primal, and unceasing.
There were three interesting conclusions from the research conducted that proved the hypothesis to be valid. The first was that the researcher found that 65% of women surveyed admitted to sneaking glances at men’s crotches. This presents a stark contrast to a recent study by Smith, Ames, and Wechsel (2006) that showed that for a similar demographic (men aged 18-25 on college campuses in the mid-Atlantic region of the United States) only 41% of men admitted to sneaking glances at women’s breasts. This contrast is remarkable, as it illustrates the gap between media depictions and actual reality in terms of modern sexuality. Thompson, Chin, and Ranganathan (2008) express this through their research. They found in their analysis of 100 episodes of serial television programs on eight major television networks (CBS, NBC, FOX, ABC, HBO, Showtime, AMC, and FX) that there were 45 instances of men expressing sexual desire, yet only ten instances of women expressing the same. The researcher agrees with Goldberg, Maniscalco, and Vanlandingham’s (2005) theory that the media, constrained by the value system of socially conservative public institutions and politicians, is restrained from expressing the truth regarding female sexuality.
The second major finding that supported the researcher’s hypothesis was that women were found to have initiated sexual encounters in a majority of situations (54% of those surveyed). Men were found to have instigated most sexual encounters only 30% of the time according to the population surveyed. 14% of respondents said the rates of sexual initiation were about equal, and 2% replied that they were not sure. This finding corresponds with recent articles (Briskell, 2011; Dumont & Morrison, 2010; Zhang, 2012) indicating the rise of the hookup culture has been largely been propelled by women, primarily as a reaction to the oppressive nature of hierarchical romantic relationships.
The last major finding was that 81% of women surveyed rated the majority of the men that they have slept with in the last two years to be unsatisfactory lovers. The primary complaint was that the men, to use the words of one respondent who wrote underneath the question as an addendum, “Many guys act like they don’t even have a dick. They just sit around waiting for me to tell them it’s okay to fuck me. By then, I’m already dry. I want you to respect me as an equal, but I think a lot of men think that means treat me the same way in bed as you would in public. It’s hard to get a good lay.” This finding provokes the need for future research, as the only study on women’s perceptions of men’s sexual performance in recent years done through the academy was De Ponce’s (1995) study on Ivy League campuses, one that is by now outdated and without results that can be generalized to a larger population.
The research conducted has validated the researcher’s hypothesis. Women, simply put, enjoy sex. The change from a manufacturing economy heavily invested in maintaining the patriarchy to a knowledge economy rapidly removing boundaries to women’s economic success has led to profound sexual shifts, as demonstrated through the findings expressed in this dissertation. Future research analyzing male perspectives and awareness of these shifts would present intriguing opportunities for others invested in expanding the limited body of research on this topic.