Tyson Bley 2

by Ian on October 11, 2011

Tyson Bley teaches English to immigrants and other aliens. A recording of his voice reciting hypnotic mantras can be found in almost every car’s automatic locking and mirror adjusting system. If you don’t mind the sense of invasion, more of his wisdom can be uploaded to your house or car’s electronic devices from this address: http://soapstain.blogspot.com/

Tyson’s first spot on HST is here.

Monroe Under A Microscope

The way it’s been used, no wonder my toilet has begun to say:
“It feels as though I am a sleek, white, beautiful Selectric.”
But it’s because I altered my diet just before the world ended,
knowing it might disable the pneumatic peep hole in
my wife’s bedroom door through which, whenever I spy on
her, I sometimes accidentally blast elephant shit.
Also because I wanted to write the last post-modernistic
recipe book.

In this book, Monroe sees herself reflected in every garage sale.
A scientist observes a glob of fresh dopamine
belonging to her under a microscope and sees a hairy worm
of bear sauce curled up and sleeping on a slab of pauper cardboard.
In every department store fitting room, there is this terrible smog;
no one ever comes out alive. Unless you’re carrying a pillow,
which since the protagonist tasted wine whenever he
licked his pillow, he has deemed it a total slut.
Hurt, the pillow draws a chalk triangle around the point
at which it wishes to exorcise its period – and it’s not merely
a safety precaution, but also a religion.

A slum squats and painstakingly produces a 7/11. The UFO
lighting it from above – also providing air-conditioning and the
occasional squirt of cheap air freshener – is actually a mouth-breathing
Ferris wheel, rusty and buckled and dangling many colorful bulbs,
most of them blown, canted horizontally and suspended
above the 7/11 by the same paradigm shift responsible for the
movie star moving into the sandcastle of the happy, oblivious,
unsupervised geriatric sitting down there by the beach,
its bumcrack fascinating and/or providing a glimpse of hope
to a passing, myopic crab.

Elf Yourself

The hiss of windmills
is integral to the landscape –
radiation from an ancient pinball disaster.
The blackhearted orange
wrung from something squishy.

When nature calls, Kleenex
configures itself into an optical illusion.
Buying a Mars Bar and knitting its peel;
members of one shady fringe will
pour the dead tissue into a dumpster…

Elf Yourself sweatpants
the casserole wears as sacred aura.

We all stood watching aghast – as the
action figure flung glowing poop.


Her bones completed by
more variables of pins,
a body parts spectrogram
and a motivational sticker.

An electronic knob’s
cheap tone bled
by the dominatrix’s pulley.

Lego gears putting the seam in break
dancing. A drop-of-blood-resuscitated
alien. Exposes the lurk in the vigilante –
either the visual cortex’s clown mask sewage snorkelling;
or clubfoot make-upping.

The sentient bathroom
mirror dialled. Bizarre requests
to search engine. Listen if you

have a shy bladder you’re gonna
need what’s called a “pee buddy” –
I so happen to know an excellent therapist
who rents out blind/wall-eyed ponies.

Night Noises

Between her Nokia and universe-sized
epiphany lies an ear-full of interference.
An emergent tick stuck in the brains of a clock.

Countless hours of Dungeons & Dragons
and you learn that sometimes
it’s good to subject your snail to the following –

what’s full of what’s normally not seen boiling in coffins:
the rainbow in the midget’s hair
or a stream of Mars rot.

A dried cup-o-noodles for antlers to get shrubbed in.
A shadowy grin hopping around on the chupacabra’s face,
its bunny suit psychosis hungry for frogs
peddled from a small-town trunk.
Night noises trapped in a ninja’s towel.

Dead Baby

Incubator of disposable baby parts.
Dead fibers’ perturbing contraction.
Graphic zoom smokes out nasal passages.
Spoon with puffer fish.
Burp the drapes.
Copy and paste pancake-extract.
The mechanics of flicking my ear with its tongue.
Pharmacological caveman.
Experimental biology stirring on the sofa.
Encapsulation of gore drinking out of.

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