Putrid Modern Hell #5

by HST UK on April 3, 2011


“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
-Anais Nin

Last week I was watching Takashi Miike’s nerve shredding film Audition. It got me thinking about my current lonely plight, which has over the last twelve months seen me going on a few horrific blind dates, signing up for an online dating website and getting knocked back by a variety of women whilst out, wild and drunk in the city.

Without spoiling the film for those of you yet to see it, Audition is about a lonely widowed man called Aoyama who is egged on by his son to get back into the dating game. One night during a drink with his film producer buddy Yoshikawa, Aoyama explains that he’s looking to start a relationship. The two men discuss Aoyama’s ideal woman which sets off a light bulb in Yoshikawa’s head. He suggests they stage a mock audition for a project that is titled ‘Tomorrow’s Heroine’. The audition will actually serve as a way for Aoyama to meet his ideal woman. The process works, Aoyama meets a beautiful, enigmatic woman named Asami, but things don’t work out the way he hoped.

I wondered, would it be possible to stage my own ‘Audition’?

I carefully pondered about whether this would work along similar lines to the popular American reality show The Bachelor where I might dip my toes into a pool of alluring single ladies, or perhaps this experience would follow the early part of Audition before it gets all dark, warped and nasty.

Making the process as effective as possible, I would, as in the film, require CV’s from the ladies that would include their vital statistics, a picture and a mini essay about themselves. Unfortunately I’m aware that this process is unlikely to work, as I cannot organize an audition under the pretence of a Television or Film project. So, I would have to think up something akin to a clichéd lonely hearts ad. However it must be something that catches attention.

The perils that come with such an idea are 1. I could encounter a real life psycho who may well end up cutting off my leg with cheese wire. 2. If nobody decides to audition then I’m back to square one. 3, It is incredibly big headed to consider that I’m a worthy enough to hold an audition in the first place. But fuck it, if Charlie Sheen can go around living life how he likes, them I’m going to do it on an everyman budget.

Life is all about taking risks, even if these risks are likely to blow up in your face. It was that line of thinking that got me to sign up for the popular online dating site OK Cupid. I filled in my details, attempting to highlight my positives, and stuck a photo of myself topless on a beach, looking buff and also one of me dressed smartly in a business suit to present sophistication.

In a sense, here I was partaking in an audition. My profile contained a nice little picture, a little essay of five hundred words describing my worth, and various details about if I smoked (no), drank alcohol (socially), wanted children (maybe one day), my star sign (Aquarius), my height (5ft 7”) and body shape (athletic?). From that limited information a woman could choose to interact with me.

I browsed through several profiles of single women within thirty mile distance of my city. What I noticed was that a great deal of females identified themselves as bi-sexual, which was curious to say the least. Many had taken photos in the classic MySpace pose; this meant I couldn’t really tell how overweight they actually were. The cheeks were sucked in; the angle the photograph was taken jauntily, creating an illusion. Eventually I chose a handful of profiles that looked the most normal / interesting.

The messaging process was quite painstaking, I spent half and hour deliberating what to write, before I settled on a “Hi” as the topic header, and then I made some comic observation about something they had written on their profile, before briefly introducing myself.

After a few days I got a reply from a woman who apparently works as a circus performer. She liked how I made a joke about her possibly being a ‘human cannonball’, over a week we discussed various bits and pieces, mostly I got her talking about her life with a travelling circus. Then I decided to cut to the chase. Let’s grab a coffee, I suggested, in an informal manner.

Then nothing came back, I thought about writing again. But I left it. If this kind a thing happened in a club – guy talks to girl, gets to know girl, asks girl out, girl declines….. then you wouldn’t pursue the matter further. I suppose this is the correct etiquette. Part of me would have liked to have got an answer as to why the invitation was declined, but some questions will never be answered.

For another week I continued to message various women, a few similar conversations occur, but nothing materialized so I gave up and deleted my profile.

I talked to a few buddies about my experience. One of them, let’s call her ‘Apples’, told me that one of her cousins was newly single; she arranged a ‘date’ at the local pub. Thursday night I turned up wearing what I always wear, hair styled in a half arsed fashion. I walked in to the establishment, and saw ‘Apples’ sat down next to what can only be described as a woman that looked like K.W. from the movie Where the Wild Things Are. Trying my best not to be rude I charmed K.W. throughout the evening but decided that however blind I am without wearing my glasses, seducing her all the way to bed would be a bridge too far.

Later that night I was in an utterly jolly state, and in the mood for mischief. I talked to a few older broads by the bar, flirting awkwardly, fumbling with words as they snaked out of my mouth, I looked into the broads eyes and noticed that they’re tolerating me, rather than paying much of an interest in to what I was saying. Defeated, I went back to ‘Apples’ and K.W. and we drank whiskey and coke until last orders.


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