George Gad Economou

Bar Fights And Repercussions

“the fuck’s going on?” I asked the bartender as I climbed
on my barstool; the only one left unoccupied in the crowded
bar by the port.
“some military ship docked today; Americans,” she replied, while
running around filling up mugs of green beer.
“fuck,” I spat under my breath. to her credit, she ignored several
jumping thirsty guys to get me my triple Four Roses and large draft beer.
after a swig that emptied half the lowball, and after lighting a cigarette,
I looked over my shoulder at the barroom. all the small tables were covered
with empty mugs and bottles of beer, and swaying, slurring young men
were clinking glasses and making grandiose proclamations about
their manhood and their conquests. ten women, all in barely-there outfits,
entertained the tables, accepting free drinks and grabbing crotches, telling
big lies about what they were feeling up. Jeanette was one of them; surrounded
by three bulky young men; young enough
to look like they should be sent back to junior high.
I chugged my remaining drink, and the buxom bartender, whose name I could
never fucking remember, poured more Four Roses over the ice cubes that
hadn’t had time to melt.
“it’s her job,” she reminded me, I guess because she saw some
red coloring my cheeks.
“I know,” I grumbled and kept my gaze focused on my drink.
“you ain’t no sailor, are ya?” the young man next to me said; also with a buzz cut, and
clean-shaven, too fucking young to be out in the world without parental
supervision. I was long-haired, with a full beard, in a dirty t-shirt and a worn-out
leather jacket.
“what gave it away?” I asked.
“I thought this was a bar only for sailors.”
“it is. I’m just the local barfly with special privileges.”
“what makes you so special?” he pursued. he was looking for a fight.
I lit a cigarette, and blew a plume of blue smoke on his face.
my regular haunt, where I could get a backup of fifteen bloodthirsty bikers
was several blocks away; and I didn’t have any phone numbers.
I didn’t care. Jeanette was getting harassed by three morons, while another
moron was trying to pick up a fight.
“look, kid,” I said. “you want to fight, go pick on one of your drunk friends. I’m
not getting entangled in your bullshit.”
“we’re out here protecting your godless country,” he said. “I won’t fight my brothers.”
“go fight Commies, then, if you can find them. the Soviet Union collapsed
long before your parents even thought about having a kid.”
“you’re a fucking Commie,” he accused me.
“quit yelling, or you’re out,” the bartender threatened him; I raised my glass at her.
“fuck you,” he told her. “the only reason you’re serving drinks is because you’re
way too ugly to be a whore.”
without thinking, I put my hand on the back of his head and used his face to smash his beer mug.
he started wailing like a little kid that got stung by a bee,
holding on to his face as blood started painting his fingers crimson.
I barely managed to finish my drink before several of his buddies
dragged me off my barstool and started stomping me.
I was drunk enough to take the pain, and high enough not to
remember much of how more than a dozen combat boots
made sure not an inch of my body and head remained intact.
I lay on the floor, a bloody, broken mess, when the bartender
called for backup, a couple of bouncers, to remove
all the assholes. they helped me up, I got a free Four Roses,
and Jeanette abandoned her suitors to come to me.
“are you okay?” she asked, her hazel eyes emanating worry, and perhaps
even affection.
“I’ve survived worse,” I mumbled. even touching the brim of my lowball with
my swollen lips was painful. at least, a good gulp helped numb the pain.
“come on, I’m taking you to my place. you need to rest.”
I didn’t resist when she put her arm around my waist and led me out
of the bar, under the murderous glares of the rest of the sailors.
“why did you have to get into a fight?”
“the little fucker insulted the bartender,” I explained.
“you just cost me a lot of money,” she said.
“you know I can’t pay for that.”
“and you know I don’t care.”
she was a Florence Nightingale in a whore costume, and that
was why I really liked her.
we reached her apartment—she had to drag my carcass up the
staircases—and she tossed me onto the couch.
“thanks,” I said when she gave me a brimful lowball of cheap bourbon.
“drink up, this is gonna hurt,” she said and without another warning
started rubbing an alcohol-soaked rag on my bloody face.
I flinched, winced, and drank, trying to hold back the tears.
“it was a very brave, and stupid, thing to do,” she said, and kissed my
swollen lips.
“emphasis on stupid, huh?”
“you think she hasn’t heard worse?”
“probably from better,” I chuckled dryly.
“exactly.”
she kissed my lips again, and for a few moments we just
stared into each other’s eyes. she was a prostitute; I was a drunkard.
we should have been a match made in heaven.
it was never meant to be.
however, for that one night, the night she decided to take care of me
instead of taking home paying customers, we truly became one—thankfully,
none of the fuckers that beat the shit out of me attacked my dick and balls.
after I finished my drink, in two gulps, she took me to
her bed; there, she showed me that chivalry is still rewarded.
I had cracked ribs, two strained arms, and potentially a concussion.
if I had died while sleeping on her squeaking bed, after coming inside her,
I’d have died a happy man. I didn’t die. death doesn’t want me.
the devil has ensured I live to be a hundred just to avoid me.
I woke up, hungover and beaten up. she made me
coffee, then I had to go home to get drunk.

Patrick Carella

Swallowed Whole

The leviathan parks itself outside my apartment.

No engine hum. No warning. Just there.

Every night, the same: a flicker of streetlight, a fluorescent stutter—and then the rot appears.

Maybe it’s visiting me because I was shaken the first time I saw it. It was years ago. I was driving to the arrivals terminal and there it was—slouched on deflated tires behind Kennedy airport, on the Rockaway Expressway. Just a bloated carcass—rectangular, heat-swollen—“EMERGENCY RESPONSE UNIT” scrawled across its aluminum side in flaking letters. A red cross peeling, looking like sunburn—or something worse.

A 60-by-12-foot self-propelled trauma unit—complete with operating room, burn beds, and auxiliary power. Fully functional. Never truly roadworthy. Its mobility wasn’t for transport, but for greeting the wreckage.

It had once been a storage trailer for outdated airplane seats.

Now it hunched there, on the tarmac—obsolete before it ever touched a single life.

The new ambulances fly.

Yet it keeps showing up.

Something in it logged my reaction—and decided to mess with me.

They built the unit after Flight 66 dropped from the sky. June 1975. A Boeing 727 slammed into the approach lights at JFK and tore itself across Rockaway Boulevard—113 dead, fire trucks stuck in gridlock, no plan, no help. That crash gave birth to the hospital on wheels.

Its doors were sealed for good after what came to be called the Black Drill of ’87.

It wasn’t called that officially, of course. Officially, it was a full-scale simulation—a standard triage exercise meant to test the Mobile Emergency Trauma Unit under real-time pressure.

There are no public records. No photos. No news articles. Just fragments. Anecdotes. Whispers passed down from bitter Port Authority retirees and nightshift orderlies with thousand-yard stares.

The trauma unit skulked out just past midnight. It was supposed to rendezvous with a staged crash site near the old cargo terminals. Somewhere en route, it disappeared from sight. Disconnected from radio. It went dark for almost three hours.

When it reappeared, it was parked in the middle of Runway 13L. Doors locked from the inside.

Twelve training dummies had been loaded aboard earlier that day for simulation—each tagged and cataloged by Port Authority staff.

Only eleven were recovered.

But they found a twelfth.

Not rubber. Not tagged. Not breathing.

A real one.

Unidentified. Mid-twenties. No ID. No pulse. But coagulated blood stood in jelled defiance at the base of the stretcher. The body wrapped in singed bandages. Autopsy report—if it ever existed—was never released.

They say one nurse never spoke again. Just walked off the job and into the Sound.

A doctor built a fallout shelter in his backyard and died six months later of dehydration, muttering about how he never saw a body he couldn’t account for.

The unit was decommissioned quietly. Shelved. Ignored. Left to rot outside, on a forgotten tarmac. Yet it hovers—like a bad dream for those who were there.

A drunk retiree at a medical evac reunion swore he saw a young, Italian-looking kid watching the Drill from his car. Said he was holding a clipboard.

Vanished before anyone could get a look.

I imagined the stillness inside—the unused dressings in yellowing boxes, the dust sitting on scratchy blankets inside the triage unit.

Not memory. Something low and cold squeezing the base of my heart.

Years later, its ghosts roll in nightly on cracked tires. I still hear them. The crews. The surgeons. Still prepping. Outside my window.

Tonight, I give in.

I walk out of my apartment building and the air is different—dense, electrical.

The unit sits by the curb, almost breathing.

It’s around two a.m. No sign of human life on either side of the double yellow lines. But the air is alive. The dense drizzle dowses the unit in a kind of sweat.

Up close, it’s massive—a bumpy aluminum shell, shifting around corroded steel bones.

Strange. None of the neighbors ever mentioned seeing the unit. No one ever complained about it taking up ten parking spaces.

I walk up to the doors. The latch gives.

Inside, it’s dead quiet. A time capsule of dust and unused triage.

And then: a stretcher.

An old clipboard.

The patient name: mine.

Date of intake: June 1987.

No vitals. No release.

It returns for a moment. But it slowly fades. Replaced by something secure. Reassuring.

I look toward the front of the vehicle: a driver—stooped, motionless. He’s wearing the soiled uniform of an orderly, circa 1980-something. He turns. Smiles.

The doors close behind me.

And we’re gone.

Wheels lifting.

Like a plane that never lands.

Like being buried with the lights still on.

Like always.

I used to wake up.

Now I just wait.

For the hush of night.

And the sky, weeping from the seams.

Megan Marie Malone

Put Some Yogurt on It

I was raised by a fiercely independent single mother. She must have believed this trait was genetic because she clearly expected the same exact fierce independence from me.

I got my first period when I was nine years old.

For anyone old enough to read this without understanding the general cadence of female development, THAT IS INSANELY YOUNG. Especially in the 90s. Us 90s girls grew up much SLOWER than the subsequent generations we witness now. Look at some recent prom pictures. THOSE ARE WOMEN escorting the, obviously, young boys to the dance. I presume these modern girls are menstruating at a younger age than my peer group.

At nine years old, I was left alone with my period for another several years.

Alone except for the company of my fiercely independent mother, who, at the news of my period, promptly handed me an OB tampon and said (in what my mind recalls as a drill sergeant’s tone), “HERE! Put this up there.”

An OB tampon is a hard tube of cotton, tightly wrapped in plastic. It was pretty in a weird way, so small and white with a shiny exterior due to the plastic wrap. If you are someone who collects rocks or novel treasures on walks you know what I mean, it is the kind of thing that if seen in isolation one wants to behold and keep. I had seen the OBs in my mother’s purse or come out of her pocket with change as she went to pay at a register. I knew it was A THING that had to do with SOMETHING ADULT but it wasn’t until this very terrifying and isolating moment that I KNEW it was for THIS THING. This blood coming from between my legs.

By the age of nine I had long since decided that I couldn’t admit any weakness to my alpha mother, and would do better to fall in line, even if I was terrified and clueless.

I took the OB into the bathroom. The bathroom was so white, the tile floor, the walls, the toilet, sink, tub and towels, all white. No one had taken time to decorate so just stark whiteness. I stared at the OB for some time, so white and shiny and almost precious in its compact size and so befitting to the whiteness I was surrounded by. The only thing out of place was the contrast of a quarter sized red dot of blood resting in the crotch of my lavender and heavily pilled underwear. I stared and just had absolutely no idea what to do with it, hoping my mother would come and ask how I was doing, if maybe I needed help, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO, but what I got was a half-hearted, “How are you doing in there?” from the other side of the door.

I knew that she didn’t REALLY want to know and obviously didn’t REALLY want to offer any instruction. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell the truth: “NO MOM, I AM REALLY SCARED AND DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS THING, I FEEL ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE AND REALLY WISH THAT YOU WOULD COME HERE AND HOLD ME AND SHOW ME.”

Instead, I said in my biggest tough girl voice, “Yeah, almost done,” and vowed myself to secrecy. Decided I would FIGURE IT OUT.

Just not with an OB.

I wrapped the tampon in a bunch of toilet paper, working hard to make it inconspicuous, and hid it in the bottom of the garbage can under an empty bottle of V05 shampoo, an empty toilet paper roll and tissues. Then I took a wad of toilet paper, while feeling hurried and rushed I was a meticulous child, so I wrapped toilet paper around my small hand a few times and gently placed the makeshift pad between my legs. I shoved back the mounting tears, swallowed hard and took a deep breath, then exited the bathroom, ready to face the praise of my relieved mother for ‘handling it.’

This process of shoving back tears, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath became the most familiar act of my life. I’ve spent more time suppressing emotions than actually experiencing them.

My mother called me a “big girl” and rewarded me with a smile of approval. This became my first drug of choice. When I felt empty and alone, I could always “do something well” and get “them” to tell me how great I did. It made empty and alone feel less empty and alone. What I understand now is that I was just a little girl, not a big girl. And that calling me something I wasn’t made me something that I’m not. Little girls do not inherently want to shove things in their pussies, not even tampons, especially not tampons that require them to work a finger up there to get it in place. The thing about OB tampons is that they do not come with an applicator. All other tampon brands come with an applicator that seems to have an intuitive nature to them, they keep the area a little private and distant and delicate. But no, my mother handed me an OB, the mature woman’s tampon.

Now I am an adult and I’m super into my menstrual cycle. I have also shoved all sorts of things up there: OBs, Diva cups, penises, my hands, men’s mouths. Maybe my mother’s actions contributed to the unwavering comfort I have with my period and vagina now? In the end I seem to have shoved my mother’s attitude toward it all up there.

***

When I was 15 I had my first yeast infection. I am honestly not sure how I knew but I knew. I’ll spare you the details. When I went to my mother my memory is that she yelled from another room “put some yogurt on it!” I was emotionally transported back to that bathroom at 9 years old and felt all of the terror and inferiority of not knowing what I clearly should have known how to do and just left the house without responding or any follow up. By this age I was walking around with a pack of cigarettes in my pocket and had begun being seen as a patient at planned parenthood. I took a walk and had a smoke and resolved to “handle it” once again. So I called and was seen and given the proper course of treatment and that was that. I never knew what the fuck she meant by put some yogurt on it. Like where EXACTLY? HOW? WITH MY FINGER? I never asked and she died long before I started the work in therapy I would need to do to be able to confront these issues.

More than 20 years later I was a registered nurse moonlighting as an infusion nurse at an upscale IV boutique for people with disposable cash. We had a few clients with real conditions but mostly gave athletes bags of fluid with vitamins and minerals, rich ladies who couldn’t stand to actually drink water hydration, there was a popular trend with Asian women coming in and

getting high doses of glutathione, an antioxidant, to lighten and brighten their skin. Many aging Asian women develop dark patched, and the glutathione was believed to even out skin tone. There was a lovely philopena mother and daughter who became clients of mine and spent a small fortune on glutathione. They were lovely to talk with and topped very well. During one session the topic of digestion and probiotics came up, and we began discussing overall pH balance and the importance for female vaginal health and she very casually said ‘well I yogurt.” I stopped mid-sentence and was transported back to the bathroom, but I was old enough and had done enough work to know I was being pulled back to the bathroom so instead of allowing myself to remain there I snapped back to 2020. I smiled, a proud smile of approval, like my mother’s approval but for my true self, and asked “what do you mean? I mean I think I know but can you tell me exactly what you do?”

She gladly explained that she takes tampons and puts a little bit of plain, full fat, Greek yogurt on it and inserts into her vagina and leaves it there for about 15-30 minutes. She had been doing it once a month for 10 years and has never had any infection or disturbance of any kind since beginning this practice. I was floored. Finally, I had a way and means. I could have cried but I was still very good at shoving it all back and down.

I have finally decided to try yogurting. So yesterday I scraped the top of a fresh container of yogurt with a tampon and up she went! Fingers crossed. I felt slightly haunted when I went back into the container to actually eat some yogurt and could clearly see the scrape marks from a tampon.

Andy Seven

Palm Springs Man

Waves of heat undulated and danced in front of Sam’s eyes as he walked slowly down the desert road.  

The road was darker than the sidewalk, so bright it made him dizzy. 

He was under the thumb of solar imperialism, and the sun owned everything, and everyone lock, stock and barrel. 

He was dizzy, thirsty and hungry. Walking for miles under the burning sky had a transformative effect.  

His flesh couldn’t melt, but his soul could, and it melted with heat waves dancing all around him like ghosts in the desert. 

His back was drenched with sweat from the thick backpack weighing him down and intensifying his body heat. 

This was the kind of day where wearing socks didn’t make any sense, because his feet felt the heat burn right up through the boots he was wearing.  

The soles may as well be cardboard for all the good they did. 

The tall purple mountains which wrapped around the town looked on, not caring.

Tourists walked by shooting disapproving looks at Sam’s disheveled, sweaty appearance.  

To them he was hideous – but their thatchy, hairy legs poking out of brightly colored shorts was acceptable. 

He returned their horrified stares until he heard a scratching sound below him. 

It was a small lizard, upside down, thrashing around, trying to bring itself bolt, upright again. 

Sam leaned down and picked up the lizard, closed his eyes shut, said a few Hail Marys and then bit the tiny lizard’s head off. 

He chewed on the rest of the still thrashing body like it was a chaw of beef jerky, pretending the blood spurting out of the critter’s body was catsup. 

Scooter yelled, “DAD THAT CRAZY GUY JUST ATE A LIZARD”. 

Scooter’s father stared with a repulsed sneer while his fat blonde wife dialed 911 on her cell phone. 

She wished Sam was black so she could get on the news. 

Busting a homeless white man wasn’t going to get her in the papers. 

Bugger. 

Sam threw the reptilian carcass down and walked over to the gas station across the road. 

Scooter’s mom tossed her mullet and yelled, “HEY YOU DON’T YOU WALK AWAY YOU STAY RIGHT HERE, MISTER!” 

Sweat drooled down every millimeter of Sam’s corpus. 

So delirious from the heat, he walked up to a gas pump and kicked it angrily thinking it was a soda machine. 

A few yards away sat a solitary gas can and in his delirious state thought he was looking at a thirst-quenching liter of A&W Root Beer. 

Sam unscrewed the cap to the can and poured the remains of what was left in the can. 

Wiping his chin, he continued his trek down the road to the baritone screaming of the vacationing housewife yelling into her cell phone. 

It can be assumed the local police didn’t care about the homeless eating microscopic wildlife. 

A coyote, yes; a road runner, yes; maybe even a vulture – a tiny lizard, no, no bother. 

He trudged with a Frankensteinian gallop down Palm Canyon Drive, heading for Vista Chino – deadline, Desert Hot Springs. 

In the bright white light he saw vinyl-topped Cadillacs roll in to heavily gated golf courses, the old white men still holding on to their huge sedans in their rejection of hip-hop cruisers. 

Many yards later Sam passed newly gentrified motels, still piping in bad Frank Sinatra music but this time for tattooed blondes with piercings and XXL asses. 

He could have sworn they were twerking out of their hip-hop cruisers. 

Everywhere he went there were misters spraying thin jets of water out as lawn sprinklers ejaculated over all matter of desert flora. 

Out the corner of his eye he espied a police cruiser slowly trailing behind him. 

It made him paranoid, so he took a sharp turn around the corner. 

It led to a quiet side street, but side streets in the desert are never truly quiet, because you can always hear the abrasive music of insects scratching their legs and crackling their antennae all through the day and into the night.

There were rows of banged-up houses lining the road with campers sporting flat tires and sunbaked speedboats that hadn’t touched water in years parked out in front. 

Fumes of cooking methamphetamine wafted from a few houses, mingling with dancing heat waves.

 “SKYLER PICK UP SOME DORITOS AT THE STORE!”  yelled a voice from inside a house behind a teenage girl’s back. 

The teenage girl in shorts and flip-flops had corn roll hair. 

 “AND GET SOME CIGS, TOO!” 

 “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!” Skyler yelled back, still walking. 

 ‘AND -SKYLER!-SKYLER! BRING BACK SOMETHING TO DRINK!” 

 ‘YEAH, ALRIGHT ALREADY!” Skyler yelled, picking up her speed away from home. 

The word “drink” triggered Sam’s bladder into wanting to unload, so he warily retuned to the main drag, looking around to make sure the cops were gone. 

All he could find for the next half-mile was a private tennis court. 

With every step he took the back pack felt heavier and heavier, weighing him down. 

He could feel every pound of his load pushing down his back. 

The weight pushing down his back created a considerable degree of tension to his bladder. 

Too many palm trees were covering the front of the court, making it impossible for Sam to jump over a fence. 

Sam walked towards the driveway where a parking attendant was opening a car door and letting a pair of guests out. 

 “HEY!” he yelled at Sam as he walked past him. 

 “I SAID HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” 

A well-groomed silver haired gentleman in a white tennis outfit got out of the car, pushed in his aviator shades and said, “Let me handle this, Carlos!” 

The silver haired gentleman’s companion, a young man in cutoff shorts aggressively grabbed Sam by the arm and said, “The man’s talking to you, Buddy!” 

Sam tried wriggling free of the young man’s grasp, but the grip was too strong for him. 

 “Get off me”, Sam hissed. 

 “Get off me? Can you believe this punk?” the hustler announced to his benefactor and the attendant, getting cockier by the minute. 

Sam kept trying to break free but couldn’t. 

The hustler threw Sam against the automobile hood, slamming him hard. 

 “Leave him alone, Brian. I’ll just chase him out of here”, Carlos appealed. 

 “No way”, Brian the hustler growled. “Not on my watch, bro”. 

Brian quickly slammed Sam against the Cadillac three times in a row.

Sam couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

He undid his fly with his free hand and pulled out his hose. 

The old tennis bum licked his lips, eagerly awaiting visual bounty. 

Sam held his joint out and peed all over the Cadillac. 

 “YOU PERVERT, WHAT THE FUCK?” Brian yelled, still holding on to Sam. 

The heat radiated on Sam’s urine, igniting the gasoline he consumed a little while ago. 

The beautiful white Cadillac immediately burst into flames. 

Sam was instantly immolated by the burning car, and with him Brian. 

The attendant ran to his kiosk to call the Fire Department, but it was too late to save Sam, Brain and the overpriced American automobile. 

The masculine bonfire spread due to the dancing heatwaves caressing the flames and spreading them to the nearest palm trees. 

The flames spread throughout the entire court yard. 

Tennis bums and horny tennis instructors began to run, but it was too late. 

Palm Springs was on fire. 

Fire and brimstone. 

Todd Cirillo

The Greatest Bartender in New Orleans

For Jaime

I follow my bartender
wherever she slings drinks.
Over the dozens of years
I have sat and swayed across from her
at Boondock Saint, Jimani, MRB
and now, at her very own joint,
Schooner’s Saloon,
corner of St. Peter and Burgundy.
Her bar is one of good time potions
spilled from taps of tender mercies.
Jaime has saved me more times
then she will ever know—
when my heart was on the rocks,
Christmas Eve lonesome late-nights,
twinkling hazy-eyed Christmas days,
the beginning love affairs of the moment
and the last call of the long-terms.
She offers comfort and care with a smile
and a strong one on the house,
not just to me but my friends,
fellow Quarter Rats,
strangers and service industry sweethearts.
If there was ever a serious candidate
for saint, sinner and savior
it is her.
In the golden age of piracy,
she would be captain.

So, when people get stupid and she yells,
only one person in the bathroom at a time–
and NO coke!
One of y’all best take the stash
and get the fuck out.  

This city spills champion bartenders out from
the Lower Ninth to Pigeontown,
Gentilly, Algiers to Mid-city,
the Lower Garden District to Central City,
Seventh Ward, Treme’, Bywater
to the Irish Channel 
and every corner in between.
And I love them too,
I truly do,
but Jaime regains the title
each inebriated visit  
because even after all this time,
the birthdays, break-ups, blackouts,
strong shots, cold beers and heavy pours
I still never have to wait
for a drink—
even on Mardi Gras day
and that goes
a helluva long way
in these parts.

***

From Happy Hour Heart of New Orleans, Roadside Press

Shadow Lines: Valor Kand, Bauhaus, and the Architecture of the Unseen

Interview by Alex S. Johnson

When I welcomed Valor Kand onto The Kandy Fontaine Show, I introduced him as the composer, multi‑instrumentalist, and frontman of Christian Death, one of the most influential deathrock bands in history. But the moment he began speaking, it was clear that his artistic lineage stretches far beyond genre.

He begins not with music, but with prophecy. “As a child,” he tells me, “I had a cousin of mine, an older cousin, telling me about Nostradamus… I was probably like 12–13 but it profoundly influenced me.” He remembers reading the quatrains and feeling the uncanny pull of the prophetic imagination: “Some of the things that were mentioned in the 15, 1600s… were quite uncanny, as far as I saw it at that time.”

Later, after decades of study, he realized “it can be all up to conjecture of how you perceive things,” but the spark remained. “It put me on my quest to understand… the nature of humanity.”

That quest collided early with religious authority. Forced into Catholic school at seven, he remembers a nun telling him that God created everything. His instinctive question — “Well, who created God?” — earned him a blow. “She actually hit me,” he says. “That moment… I realized… the hypocrisy of it all.”

He tried praying, asking “God or the gods” for answers, but “the answers never arrived,” and so he decided, “the only way I’m going to get the answers is to find them myself.”

When I ask what figures guided him, he answers immediately: “My number one influence… would have to be Akhenaten, our heretic King.” He describes becoming “obsessed with learning about him,” especially the way history tried to erase him: “They tried to scrub him… probably the first person to be shadow banned in a big way.” He recounts how monuments were defaced, how Akhenaten’s monotheism threatened the priestly class who “needed the various gods so that they could make money.”

He draws a direct parallel to Christ: “The correlations between that and Jesus turning the tables over for the money… very significant.”

Akhenaten’s epiphany was simple and radical: “He thought… the sun has to be God, because without it, we don’t exist… all life stops without the sun.” Crucially, “He didn’t use his belief in the sun as a means of control, like the previous dynasties.”

Valor notes that Akhenaten “freed the slaves and he paid them a wage,” making him “probably the only one out of any of the pharaohs that even did such a thing.” After his death, “they brought back the old ways… everything that he wiped out.”

From ancient Egypt, Valor moves into the long history of slavery and hierarchy. “People even up to this day don’t realize that slavery… has always been the way it was. For the entire planet of history, in every culture.” Even today, “it still exists… in smaller pockets.”

He notes that one of his nationalities is British: “The word subject means that I’m subject to the powers of the king… therefore I could be made to do anything by the king under the old rules.” Modern states don’t use those rules explicitly, but “England seems to be going back to medieval times… that seems to be where they want to go.” He extends this to global elites: “My opinion is… the wealthy class of the planet… people like Bill Gates… they would prefer to eliminate most of us, and the ones that they don’t eliminate would be their slaves.”

We talk about conspiracy theories, the CIA’s weaponization of the term after Kennedy, and the far‑right myth of “global elites” as an antisemitic dog whistle. Valor’s critique is not about fantastical cabals; it’s about observable structures of control. “

There’s a lot of egotists… whose goal is ultimate control,” he says. “Nothing’s changed.” He sees the internet as “basically the second iteration of the Gutenberg Press,” but also as a tool of surveillance: “You’re being tracked… by every commercial entity on the planet.” He describes “generational planning… going back to the times of the kings and queens,” and insists that modern oligarchs share the same megalomaniacal impulses.

Yet he insists that ordinary people are fundamentally decent. “Most people are really good people,” he says. “If people weren’t at nature generally good, we’d be slaughtering each other on a daily basis.” The powerful exploit that goodness because “they know the vulnerabilities of most people… that most people have a conscience when they don’t.”

He describes the psychology of cruelty: “The satisfaction of hurting people… like a rapist… it’s the sexual satisfaction of hurting somebody.” Scale that up, and you get systems built on domination.

When I ask how people can resist manipulation, his advice is simple and hard: “Have an open mind… but doubt, doubt and doubt again.”

He tells listeners, “Don’t believe me… go out and use your best judgment.” His fantasy punishment for oligarchs is stark but non‑lethal: “Solitary confinement… where they can’t tell anybody what to do… throw food at them.”

From there, we move into animals, and his tone shifts. He talks about his chickens, dogs, and a fox he once rescued, and how animals endure hardship without complaint. “What they do is right,” he says. “What we do is the deviation.” He uses the “native Wild Kingdom” as his moral reference point: “How they live and what they do is right, because it’s been working for billions of years, and what we do is the deviation of humanity.” He sees deep parallels between human and animal love: “Little chihuahua wants to protect its human being… same love, same compassion.”

This leads us into mythic territory: Nephilim, ancient gods, extraterrestrial or interdimensional beings. He references the opening track of The Root of All Evolution, describing “the antediluvian concept… beings coming down from the sky… going into the ocean… having a culture.” He connects this to Shambhala, Antarctica lore, and other esoteric traditions, suggesting that “the gods of old” may have been entities from other dimensions.

When I ask about the through‑line of his work, he explains that his new album, Mentor de los Perdidos (“Mentor of the Lost”), is meant as inspiration: “Designed to be an inspiration for people to seek out the same things we’re talking about.”

His records always contain “positive and negative elements,” because confronting darkness is necessary: “You can’t really clean house if you sweep the dirt into a pile and put a carpet over it.” He encourages listeners to “do a spring cleaning of your soul,” to acknowledge that “evil exists,” and to pursue happiness without denial: “You can be happy… and accept that we live in a binary world… good and bad… dark and light.”

When I ask about his songwriting process, he splits it into two parts: lyrics and music. “The music is… like I’m watching a movie,” he says. He dreams of scoring films: “Which is something I would like to do… I haven’t been given the opportunity yet.” He’s a “movie buff,” jaded but still moved by how film uses music “to emphasize people’s emotions.”

That cinematic language shapes his compositions: “The darkness of music, when you’re talking about something that’s dark… if it’s a horror movie… the music turns very dark.” He wants music to make “your hairs rise on the back of your neck… whether it’s good or bad.” He compares this to the “lizard brain… still functioning down your spine,” like a cat’s fur standing up. When that instinct kicks in, “then I know that music is right.”

He describes hearing music in his head, like Beethoven: “I do nothing to do with being as talented as Beethoven, but… when he was deaf… he was hearing the music and just playing it because he could hear it in his head. I do that… I can write pieces… just in my head and put it all together.”

Sometimes the story isn’t fully expressed, so he “embellish[es] it with other sounds… other structures… even different instruments.” He’ll pick up another instrument, play one note, and know: “Yeah, this is going to work… and usually [it] blossoms from that.” His objective is clear: “I want people to feel that feeling… and the only way that I can do it is to make that music… bring it out.”

We talk about Christian Death’s videos — “Illuminazi,” Church of No Return — and the way they fuse horror imagery, symbolism, and ritual. I mention Valerie and Her Week of Wonders, that Eastern European vampire film, and how his visual language echoes its dreamlike, allegorical horror. He laughs, and the connection feels right: a shared cinematic grammar of shadows, masks, and forbidden rites.

Then we move directly into Bauhaus.

Valor locates Bauhaus in a precise lineage: “Bauhaus goes back to the ’20s of art in Germany,” he says, referencing the original Bauhaus movement and its influence on painters, musicians, and multitudes of artists.

For him, their work is “very theatrical as far as the mood setting.” He thinks they were “probably influenced by the early film genre… the early horror movies… the Bela Lugosi things… the lighting and the dark shading,” noting how their promo photos “featured that kind of vibe.” It was “very different,” a visual and sonic language of chiaroscuro and dread.

For Christian Death, the path was parallel but distinct. “We weren’t really into that direction of drawing influence,” he says. “We were just basically trying to be as dramatic as artists, without actually a direction in that time.” In the beginning, he wanted to make people feel free: “We wanted people to let go.” The performances were charged with “sexual hormones racing through your body,” and “a lot of things were inspired with sexual connotation.” It was “all about freedom,” about “sexual liberation,” and he points out that punk, for all its complaints about hippies, shared the same desire: “As much as the punks complained that they hated hippies, they had the same desire to liberate… it was all about liberation… to be able to create art and do whatever you wanted. There were no rules.”

He says, “You should be able to walk naked… I don’t understand why people have to wear clothes. Why is it illegal to walk down the street naked? I thought that’s unnatural.”

This is where Bauhaus and Christian Death intersect: in the refusal of imposed norms, the insistence on liberation — sexual, artistic, spiritual. Bauhaus brought German Expressionism, early horror cinema, and Burroughs‑inflected cut‑up sensibilities into post‑punk.

Christian Death brought Catholic trauma, Akhenaten, Nostradamus, and a feral, animal‑kingdom ethic into deathrock. Both created spaces where the dispossessed could gather and say, “This is ours.”

We talk about the Cruel World festival in Pasadena, 2022, where Bauhaus and Christian Death shared the bill with Blondie, the B‑52s, and others.

Valor tells me the original plan was even more intimate: “We were supposed to play at the Queen Mary… with Bauhaus and us… it was awesome.” The show was booked, but “Peter Murphy had his heart attack… right before.” The event was rescheduled, expanded, and eventually became the full festival. Bauhaus and Christian Death were no longer the sole axis, but the resonance remained: two bands whose names alone conjure entire worlds.

By the end of our conversation, we’ve moved from Nostradamus to Akhenaten, from Catholic nuns to Bauhaus, from slavery to the internet, from Nephilim to chickens. Valor talks about upcoming tours — East Coast “east of the Rockies” in June, West Coast in November — and a new album, Mentor de los Perdidos, due around December or January, “just in the mixing stage right now.”

He closes with simple gratitude: “Thank you very much for your interest.” I echo it, because what he’s doing — what Bauhaus did, what deathrock did — is more than music. It’s architecture for the lost, a set of rooms where those of us who never found our tribe can finally recognize each other in the dark.

Scott C. Holstad 

cracking nightly

she wore a face
that cracked
and broke
when forced to
leave the hidden
light she loved.
bright nighttime
glows wreaked 
wonder to her eyes,
eyeing constant death
obsessive attractions
little
            greens
            reds
            yellows
            pinks
            teals
mixed up just so much
resulting
bombed out flesh
welcoming
all callers
gangly hipsters
beaten pussycats
hands pumping
love sold easy
back arched
molten pilled out
legs splayed
entombed 
in 
forgotten splendors

Damion Hamilton

Light Me Up

I hate cigs,
but the way she lit it
in the frosty winter night 

It must have been November
or December 

And I remember you shivering
in the parking garage of the casino 

And you so were cinematic in your black coat,
dyed blonde hair, like a movie star from the 40s

I just wanted to put my arm around you
and kiss you right then

But we had just met,
and I hated cigarettes, the smell

But looking into your eyes
and hearing your Filipina accent
and laugh meant so much for me

Were you married or not?

They said you were married 
but you said you were not

You were a mystery 

And I became enamored at the end
of a cigarette that night

And I knew I would walk through
gunfires and hurricanes
to hold your hand and to kiss you

At this late age, at 43,
I had given up on
love and torment 

Yet there you were, beckoning, 
and I was hooked for a time

Laura Shell

The Scratching

There she is. Scratching at the wound on her left arm. She doesn’t remember how she got it. But it’s there. Circular. The size of a dime. An abrasion. But she makes it worse with the scratching. 

She scratches until it bleeds, and she gets blood beneath her fingernails, half-moons of crimson, which dry and flake away, ruining her pristine pedicure.

Sometimes she presses a paper towel against the bloody imperfection in her otherwise smooth skin. The bleeding subsides, just taking a break, until she gets the urge to scratch again. 

Sometimes she scrutinizes the blotches of red that permeate the paper towel. She rips away one of the stains, puts it in her mouth, sucks on it, rolls it into a ball with her tongue, and swallows it.

Her motivation for doing this eludes her. 

Scratching, scratching, scratching. 

There are streaks of blood up and down her arm now, looking like war paint. She presses a blemished fingernail into the center of the wound, watches the blood pool up like a red bubble of mercury. 

She licks it away, grits her teeth against the sting in her skin.

Maybe she’s gone too far.

George Gad Economou

Once In A Lifetime

we pushed each other to our limits
while we got high on everything we could get our hands on:
blow, junk, ice, rock, pot, PCP, acid, uppers and downers,
we took them all and created lethal mixes that for the longest
time expanded our souls, and strengthened our love.
it was during a PCP night we truly fell in love; when we knew
we were meant to be together, that that night at the bar we met
under the Purple Rain was the only time destiny worked in our favor.
crazy nights at the bar, driving poor Jim crazy with our fights and our kisses,
our drunken eruptions and inebriated reconciliations.
he always welcomed us back, often with a beer and a shot of bourbon on the house,
and we kept on returning, while we also roamed the streets,
haunting the dark alleys and the places no sane person would ever visit.
down by the port we’d smoke pot, looking at the stacks of containers
and large vessels that were traversing the world.
smoking crack and drinking tequila at the beach near my apartment,
dead of the night and we’d make love under the blue moon.
sitting on my blue foldout couch, chugging beer and hurling the bottles at the wall,
laughing at the colorful sharp waterfalls covering the floor.
we’d fuck all over the apartment, leaving no surface untouched.
we’d fight and scream at each other, especially when high on different
substances and the effects conflicted.
we’d lay in bed, shooting black-tar heroin and enjoying
our trips to flaming meadows; even though we were
in different universes, we could feel each other as
we chased monstrous dragons and fought nightmares.
we battled ferocious hangovers and excruciating crashes;
she’d go to work, I’d go to my language lessons and cut blow on the side.
we were suffering but knowing we had each other, knowing the night
would be wild, kept us alive and going. we pushed each other to the limits
but we also pushed each other forth; she’s the reason I kept on writing.
she brought the best in me, even if I was opium-laced; I still hope I
managed to do the same to her.
the fateful night she embarked on her long journey to other realms still
remains imprinted on my mind; I was nodding off when it
happened, but finding her lifeless next to me, her 
head resting on my shoulder is the image that haunts 
my rare sober moments. her smile remains
vivid in my memory, and no matter how many women I’ve met since,
none has ever come close to replacing her. how could they, after all?
my Emily was unique, no replacement shall ever be found.
I’ve looked everywhere; in nightclubs, in dive bars, in sleazy motels, 
and in dirty strip joints. I’ve searched in workplaces and supermarkets
and the train and everywhere.
never before, never again. she’s gone, I’m drinking
her away for the fifth thousandth night in a row, 
and tomorrow I’ll remember her all over again.
at least tonight, in the bourbon haze,
I once more feel her phantom hand reaching for mine.
encouraging me to move on, to keep on going; I refuse,
and perhaps she secretly rejoices.